Do you ever wake up and not know where you are? Do you ever go about your day and then all of a sudden forget what you were doing or why on earth you were doing it? Do you forget how on earth you came to have the life you are living?
When I was little I always dreamed of getting married and having a family. But I never could quite completely visualize it. It definitely was nothing like this. Not that it's a bad thing. Quite the contrary. I just didn't know that you don't ever change. The things that make you who they are. They stay the same. When you are little you see yourself being the perfect "pretty" wife. When you grow up you realize you are still the dowdy self that you were before- just someone else has found a way to find you gorgeous. (I'm not beating myself up, just stating fact; is there really anyone out there that find themselves truly attractive?)
I remember age 12. and 13. Those were the most horrible, no horrific, crazy years of my life. Until I turned 14 and 15. But all throughout that crazy time I remember thinking about "growing up." I thought that the awkwardness would fade away, and sophistication and poise would take the place of all the embarrassing moments of those teenage years. No, I hate to tell you, but it just gets worse. The urge to please people becomes stronger, and the embarrassment of failing becomes stronger as well.
When you are just a teenager all you have to worry about is good grades, a clean room, a few chores, (and ok ok the boys). When you find your boy that you will stay with, all of a sudden you have to worry about A WHOLE HOUSE. How, might I ask is this easier?
Oh and I forgot to mention, you have a full time job and a kid. (well a kid is a full time job).
But I still wouldnt trade a thing. The knowledge that someone is there for me at the end of the day, that no matter what happens, he'll still love me. Well, its what keeps me going...
And although this will open up another whole spectrum of thoughts, I love being a mom. Yes, its hard. No, I wasn't expecting all of this. Not like this. But its worth it. For in the middle of the night when I can hardly open my eyes to see the diaper, let alone change it, and I get that sweet little grin- it's worth it. And when it takes us 2 hours to get ready for church, and then we get there and I see him gazing all around, learning and loving everything- its worth it. And when I am about ready to pull my hair out because of the crying, and I pick him up and he snuggles down because he knows his mama- its worth it.
Its worth it because I have fallen in love with this intense little being. And yes somedays the tears really outweigh the smiles... And no this was not what I imagined...
Its better. Even through the tears. Its worth it