This picture was taken in Sept 2009. Nana and 9 month old Bentley.
It has been 3 months to the day today. You would think the pain would lessen, that it would get easier to breathe. Just when I think I am ok again, that we will get through this, and the grief comes back in waves so strong I instantly cant breathe and choke on my tears. (I never would have understood that fully before now)
And please. Dont get me wrong. In so many ways I am a better person now. I can actually feel now. But sometimes I wish I cant. I am more sensitive. I strive to be a better Mother, Wife, sister, daughter, employee, christian, prayer warrior. Not a day goes by that I dont think of her still. Not many nights go by without hard dreams to dream. Dying, falling, wishing, hoping, scaring... God help me!
Church is my refuge, songs my escape, the chair an altar.
I weep. I dont.I hold it in. I let it out.
and sometimes I get so overwhelmed at the thought of heaven. She. is. there. Dancing around God's throne. Bowing. Worshiping. Worshiping. Worshiping. Enjoying. Amazing really.
And then I think of her praying. Sometimes I can hear her still. At church I kneel to pray and I think I hear her behind me. It makes me weep. Or sometimes I hear her singing....and I cry. Oh I cry.
I have put off this post long enough. I have a lot of excuses to give you. I have been busy couponing. Again. I have a toddler. I work. But the truth is I dont want to continue my story. Why?
I want to be encouraging. This is not going to be an encouraging post. I know there arent many that read this, but I want to be encouraging to those that do.
It's really hard to admit when you are angry.
I have never experienced some of these emotions in my life. Its hard to share that.
Anger is usually associated with shame or regret.
Anger. Thats all I felt. Anger.
I wish I could say that I was thinking something beyond that. But all I felt was this intense red hot anger. She was gone. I wasn't going to get a chance to say goodbye. There were to be no more uh uhs typed out or said on the phone. No more soggy buttered toast. There wasnt to be a reunion in her room. She wasnt going to make it. And then the tears came. All the way accross country they came. Of course I didnt cry the entire time, but it seems that way. I had Bentley to distract me, and what a delight he was. And sleep to take up some time. Then I would look over and see my dad shaking, or my mom with her head bowed and start sobbing again. What people must of thought of us! Somehow I passed that stage and started thinking of what the days to come would bring. It was so hard to pack for a furneral I didnt want to got to, but I think I brought the right things.
The biggest question of all: Who on earth would do her hair? So many times I watched Nana do her hair. She used to joke- if something ever happens to me, you will have to do my hair! What a radom thought, but I would be so honored to do her hair. Even if I can help tell someone how to do it. I so would like to help out. Oh God!! I can't do that can I? Help me please if it is so! I started thinking of how she used to it. Certain parts I couldnt quite get. How did she cross the pins again? Where does that roll go? 1 hairnet or 2?
We got to New Hampshire, and discovered a dunkin donuts. This and the coolatta were a very welcome distraction. We found some joy in the fact that we went by the house I grew up in (see below- although we never had a red door), and my elementary school, and got pictures of Bentley on the front steps. That was as much as we got. On the road we started out on our 6 hour trip.
I started texting my cousin Heidi, and come to find out we were minutes from each other, but due to poor thinking, and toddlers we kept missing each other. We could not wait to see each other! Bentley was very uncomfortable at this point and decided to scream the rest of the way to Nana and Gapas. He finally made known what was the problem 15 minutes away. Ahhhh. Silence. Poor baby.
We got to the house and said hi to everyone. Bittersweet. Hi I am so glad to see you! (said while bawling your eyes out, does not make the person being hugged feel glad to be seen)
We were really glad to be there. and yes we werent all at the same time.
God has a plan.
The first thing that started happening was we all realized that everyone was there. Everyone! In a family of over 40, that does not happen easily. But every child, baby, sibling, in-law, and one unborn child made it! Thank God!
One thing became more apparent than ever. We have an incredible family. Being in Nana's house (Oh it is certainly Grampie's too, but Nana has that special touch everywhere) was extremely hard. (and as the days went on- comforting) Someone in the family would often get overwhelmed, and someone would give them a hug, which would turn into praying, which would turn into more people hugging and praying, until everyone in the house would gather in and start praying. This happened many many times leading up until the furneral. Prayer starts things.