Saturday, November 13, 2010

Memories are a powerful thing

I can't remember what happens next. All I remember are bits and pieces really. In a jumbled up sort of way. I know this happens in trauma, but was the trip really that traumatic? I didn't think so. Here's what I do remember:
Going to the florist
Crying
Doing laundry
Crying
Doing her hair.
Praying
Trying to make sure our (what seemed like) mountain of stuff in the living room stayed presentable
Praying
Trying to decide what to wear
Crying
Waking Bentley up with a shower the morning of the furneral at 7 am
Lauging
Waking up at 5 am the morning of the furneral and having coffee with Dewayne
Crying
Running after kids. Constantly.
Laughing
Moving in slooooooow motion.
Praying
Coming into the kitchen and screeching to a stop at the disaster, and then being hit with grief so hard, because the person we normally took for granted wasn't there
Crying
Cleaning out the fridge
Crying
Finding leftovers from the last meal she ever made
Crying
Forcing myself to eat muffins I thought she had made the last morning she was alive, but really they had been taken out of the freezer before she left, and the moisture turned them moldy in the bag
Laughing
Making sure that we put together a nice display for a table in the back of the church
Praying
Forgetting everything that was in a box at the house
Crying
Experiencing everyone in her house all at the same time (something she always dreamed for)
Crying and Laughing at the same time

As for how I am feeling now: It still hurts to breathe sometimes, but at least its not so difficult. When Nana was alive we did not talk as often as you would expect. Probabley once every week to two weeks. Sometimes less, sometimes more. There were times where we could miss each other for weeks at a time, due to time differences etc. So, now that the furneral and the maine trip seem like a distance memory or perhaps a dream, it feels like I should be able to call her now. But I cant. More than ever as we get close to the holidays I want to call her. But she wont answer.
The most important events are what I will outline next. I wish I would have written more right away. However this has been what I intended- to get this on "paper"

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thank you so much for your comment! The comments on this page are moderated.